Jay-Z, sex toys, and relationships

“Oh man, Jay’Z’s got my poker,” you sigh with realization that your newest piece of silicone from Jack and Jill’s Adult store was missing the metal rod that attached into the bottom.  Tear through the gift bags from Jack and Jill’s Adult store, pulling out rabbits, lube, condoms, and everything except for the pointed metal poker that was supposed to be tucked into the underside of the pipe that you acquired.  Dump the bags out one item at a time, discovering the gifts that were given out at last night’s event with certified sexologist Susan Ruth Freedman; you’d won raffles, and even though you looked through all the bags, you realized that the metal piece was missing - you knew that it did not fall in the parking lot at the Crowne Plaza in Orlando, as you would’ve heard it, so you knew it was somewhere on Jay-Z’s bus.

Think back to the night before, and let the air escape from your lungs slowly, deflating your lungs like a balloon that is being slowly deflated by a controlling hand that hates to see the air go but lets it escape.  You had not even planned on going to Orlando, even though his crew member called you up on hump day to announce he wound be flying in from New Orleans on Friday.  All you had planned on doing was going up to Saint Petersburg to attend the sexologist’s talk on how to keep relationships spicy, but then you thought you’d bring a friend with you, and the next thing you knew, you were off to Orlando to lose some stuff on Jay-Z’s bus at the Crowne Plaza and not even stay for the show tonight.

The show is probably going on right now.  He probably just took the stage.  You could’ve been there, but your friend had to be to work at six this morning, and you had to meet up with some customers, too.

So, let’s start with the sex.  They say sex sells.  Go to where they sell sex toys.

You had been looking forward to attending the event for a while, as you loved trying out new things.  Free stuff is in the budget.  You missed getting to try all the new adult industry stuff that you got to when you had been working at Fairvilla in Key West, a store that you had helped open, working up in the processing, tucked away in the little loft area, plucking away at the computer, doing the behind the scenes work that people don’t normally think of when they think of the adult industry, entering products, doing basically shipping and receiving, double checking orders, updating inventory, suggesting new things that you’ve never seen before, making things pretty by doing displays and fun stuff.

You’d go out for promotional times, as that was back in your younger, sexier years, when you were fresh off the Ozzfest tour, dating and working for a body painter you’d worked with on tour – as you were a model on a motorcycle, and with the body parts he painted, it worked naturally in a strange way, especially since he taught you a lot about what it means to be an artist - open to all kinds of freaky stuff.  Prior to joining the tour, you’d been working at a regional entertainment magazine that you had pretty much taken over for a college professor, covering concerts six to seven nights a week - traveling through Michigan, Indiana, and Ohio – and when the tour came to Detroit’s stop, which was really the former Pine Knob that is now called DTE, you had been covering the bands, taking pictures in front of the stage, when Rob Zombie pulled you up on stage, which opened the door to being asked if you wanted to join the tour.  You said yes, and they thought you were joking, while you thought they were joking, but you wound up getting a job as a Harley girl, which you thought was selling motorcycles or keychains, but really wound up being a position of modeling on top of a Harley, taking pictures with people each day.

While you had been working on the tour, you had along the way met Polo, who had been a tech for one of the bands on the tour.  The two of you kept in touch over the course of the past 15 years, so when he told you that he was out touring now with Jay-Z, the two of you would meet up for lunch or dinner, just to catch up and chat, keep tabs on how the other is doing.  Polo was not his real name, but you were on a kick last night teasing him, calling him Polo as a response to his real name, which you tried to justify by saying that it was one of your favorite games as a kid growing up in Michigan, which is a peninsula state, the same as Florida; meaning, both states are surrounded by water, and that’s a water babies’ game.

Even though you knew people had been teasing that callback to him his whole life, you didn’t care.  Insisting on calling him Polo, it became one of those jokes of the night that just got funnier the madder that he got, as you could see him getting irritated with it.  There’s something about teasing him that you enjoy, something about the powerplay of domination over him, leaving him wanting for more.

Was that it what it was?  That Sub-dom attraction?  Him being motorboat height?

You were tall for a girl, and he was short for a guy, so the two of you together might look odd to some people, but it was kind of a fun thing for you.  Yes, as discovered at the sexologist talk, you had some sexual issues.  That’s what sexologists are for, working through those issues, so it was actually cool.

It was cool enough for you to invite a friend along, who knew a little bit about spicing things up, especially since the two of you both won from the raffle drawings where they were giving Jack and Jill sexy toys away.  It’s always fun to replenish a stash of sex toys, as some toys do die over time.  At times, you feel a bit jaded, so it’s always refreshing to hear new ideas outside of your set ways. 

She talked about Dr. John Gottman’s six magic hours of things to do each week to enhance connection with a partner.  From taking a couple minutes to kiss hello and goodbye each day, to a few minutes of admiration and appreciation for each other, along with physical affection, and even having a couple hours each week for a date night, there was one thing that stuck out to you the most, and that was taking an hour each week for a State of the Union Meeting.  Better than calling it a bitch fest, the message is about how to communicate effectively any issues arising, be it anything from discussing bad habits, to things like promotions at work, but when discussing any bad points, it’s not as easy as they say to broach subjects in a manner which will not offend the other person, so she shared some key tips.

Take “could, should and would” out of the equation.  Leave out the expectations.  Discuss your feelings and traumas from the point of view of how it makes you feel, as opposed to attacking a person’s character or making it seem as if you are pointing the finger, placing blame for the cause and effect.

If you feel a certain way because of a specific trauma, talk about it.  That’s easier said than done.  Admitting that you have had a trauma takes guts; not everyone is willing to express, even with the best of intentions, but it’s having the guts to try to do it that can make things clearer to the other involved.

Another interesting concept was Gary Chapman’s idea of having five different love languages, as not everyone views love the same way.  Some people like receiving gifts or visual tokens of love, while others might like quality time or physical touch.  Acts of service, or doing things without being asked as a way of showing appreciation for your partner, and even giving compliments may be how others express love or understand someone else’s gesture of love; knowing which is best for your partner helps a lot.

If one person’s expression of love is physical touch, but they are with a partner that did not grow up in a touchy feely family, didn’t express their love in that way, then the two might not understand each other’s actions the same way when it comes to love.  If instead, the other person understood love to be helping each other around the house, anticipating and fulfilling their partner’s needs before they ever arise, they might not understand where the other is coming from.  Understanding what best meets your partner’s needs, and knowing what best meets your needs, can help make for a peaceful partnership.

Of course, sex toys can always help spice up a relationship, whether exploring mutual stimulation, vibrating rings for tongues or other body parts, remote controlled vibrating panties, or even exploring the 50 Shades of Grey style with a little bondage experiment with some restraints for the bed; kick it up a notch by exploring a few of the sex swings.  There’s ones that hang from the ceiling, ones that hang from a freestanding hanger, and ones that basically allows you to hang from your partner.  Of course, that means that you have to find a partner able to hoist your big’un up without pulling muscles.

You preferred some of the more kinky stuff, such as the gimp masks with the zipping mouth, bunny tail butt plugs, and the extreme sex toys that make people gasp, such as the thick chub that’s about as big around as the dilation of when a woman is giving birth.  Get a cuckold cage.  Put this rod down the urethra, clamp this metal cage around the scrotum and shaft, and if you get hard, it might hurt a bit.

Walk through the aisles of Jack and Jill’s Adult store, touching the whips, finding which of the fur ones is the softest, and loving the stitched design of the Betty Page paddles.  Take notice of the bondage rope, but you like the cool designs of the tape that sticks to itself.  There’s an awesome pink leather starter bondage collar that does not require a lock and is simply held in place by a leather strap that can be cleared by the simply swipe of a finger to release if things are getting to be too much: safe word time.

Maybe it’s time to explore some new sexual realms.  If so, Jack and Jill’s Adult Store is one place to go with an inquiring mind.  Bring a new spark into the bedroom, as there’s lot of Florida Jack and Jill locations to choose from, and they have a variety of sexual things that are sure to intrigue; don’t worry, if you’re scared, you don’t even have to leave your house: www.jackandjilladult.com.

If you find yourself having sexual concerns, dysfunctions, or have had past traumas, talk to a sex therapist like Susan Ruth Freedman.  She has plenty of activities and exercises to try, but she also has a caring ear and is very good at digging deep to find the root of a problem, so that it can be solved.  In addition to being a board certified clinical sexologist, she also does hypnotherapy, is a trauma specialist, a mental health counselor, and does couples, as well as individual, therapy: www.anewtomorrow.net.

Yes, Jay-Z is still on tour, so there's a still a chance to catch him: www.jayztour.com.  If you want to check out more about the artist that has sold more than 100 million albums: http://lifeandtimes.com/.  Jay:Z 4:44 dropped this summer, so check out that album and connect at https://www.facebook.com/JayZ.

Marisa Williams earned her Master’s in Writing at the Johns Hopkins University.  She is the author of more than 100 books and a licensed Realtor. For more by Marisa, visit www.lulu.com/spotlight/thorisaz.