Nothing to see here, People; move along!

 I’m not allowed to talk about it. Confidentiality agreements and all. I wish I could.

Maybe I can add a few details without compromising anything. Let’s just say that yesterday, when I was on the bus with the team, it reminded me of being on the bus for Ozzfest. Touring across the country on a bus is not always as glamorous as people make it out to be, as there’s this fight for coziness when trying to sleep that leaves people in awkward acrobatic positions, body parts randomly sticking out between gaps in the seat and draped across the walking aisle, making anyone attempting to go to the bathroom have to dip and dive to reach the destination.

It’s funny, because these young athletes look at me at the right age of 42 as some sort of anomaly. perhaps there are other cultures on this planet where people hook up at young ages, and reproduction is the number one thing. However, when you happen to have a cliff diving accident that leaves doctors saying you would never walk again when you’re 19, and that you probably never have kids, it gives you a different sort of perspective on relationships when you take kids out of the equation.

For me, it’s like why would I put up with the drama and hogwash of sharing space with someone else, when I could just say go to your house and clean up your own dirty laundry? If there is a mutually beneficial situation, it’s not that I’m opposed to it, but when you take that needy desperation of wanting a child out of the equation, it makes you see flaws more accurately sooner. Sure, I am a girl, and I do have the reproductive parts within me, but I also have a lot of other things fighting against that, so it’s not like I could never get pregnant, it’s just that there has yet to be anyone to be able to afford the medical bills should that happen, as high risk is not a cheap scenario.

I already had to fight to learn how to walk again. I have a past of being a fighter, especially with my history of being involved with mixed martial arts before that accident. I have also been on the planet long enough to know to be wise in picking whatever battles that could arise.

One of my friends laughed and suggested that some of these guys might even think that I am casting spells or whatever kind of weird old cat lady things that might stereotypically be done by an old spinster. When I try to explain touring on Ozzfest years ago, every once in a while, I will get someone who may have heard of Ozzy. Of course, when I try to explain everything, I get the wide eyes that are kind of more scared than anything, or simply a disinterested, “so what are you trying to tell me?”

It knocks the ego down a few notches, and sometimes people like me need that. Of course, just when I am trying to be humble, I get a phone call when I’m riding on the bus. It’s one of my friends who is reading a book that I wrote about them, asking if I can recall what book it is, as they are a reoccurring character, whose name changes in multiple books, and over the course of writing more than 100 books, it can sometimes be very challenging to discern which passage came from which book, but considering that I happened to know which book he had last acquired, I was able to name that book, which was “The Music Mafia.”

This is the same character who came with me when I covered the first jam cruise for High Times. At the time, someone had accused me of being like the female version of Hunter S. Thompson, and I was on a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas kick, so I went on in character, thinking people would realize I was playing a character, and I introduced him as, “…and this is my attorney.” Of course, there is always one gullible dip shit who totally buys into the illusion, so she takes the bait hook line and sinker, asking where he went to school, which he replied the school of hard knocks, to which she asked if that was located next to Red Rocks in Colorado.

He thinks that she is joking, so he says yeah. The next thing you know, she is going around introducing him to everybody on the cruise as an attorney, and he is not an attorney, but he has been in trouble with the law enough to know a lot about legal issues, so he was actually able to bullshit his way though scenarios when people asked. This is, of course, the same person who toured on Ozzfest with me back in 2002, so he is like my brother from another mother, and we have just had too many crazy times over the years, which is why it’s hard to pinpoint exactly which story involves him out of all of mine.

Then I get a call beeping in, and it’s from another friend, address friend friend, asking if I want to go rage it for Memorial Day. It’s last minute, but I put an a press request for a show anyways. We shall see if it gets accepted or not, and if it does, you might have a little bit more details that can provide pictures and my normal spread, as opposed to a cryptic picture of what I had been trying to explain to many of the guys yesterday, which is when they travel to look at the manhole covers, as different cities in the globe have different designs on them depending where you are:

I do have a ton of pictures from yesterday though, so maybe at some point in the future I will be able to share some of them, but as for now, this is what you get. Take a look at the manhole covers. It’s one of those traveler things.